So its been over a month, I'm at the same weight as I was in early February and I am still unemployed. Its honestly going to be the death of me, I'm excited about nothing, I used to love cooking, even that can't cheer me up anymore. and I am going to whinge about this but I can't help it, its gotten very strange for me.
I believe in the 'law of attraction' and I believe in making things happen by thinking them.... so I guess I haven't been thinking about slimming down, and not been thinking about working?? is that it? I'm willing this stuff on myself?? I wanna say I want my mommy, but its very difficult for me to face up to all this 'failure' so to say, because I used to be a good achiever, I've had interviews where I was hired straight away, but now? is it because I'm a second class citizen? a political term but I often find myself faced with it, feeling neglected for not belonging to a land, an ideology or even an attitude. the services of others, the way people sometime look at you.... the list is endless....
I need to get my positivity back .... where is it? and why????
I just think there have been way too many changes in my life, I got married, had a new life and lifestyle to adjust to, I was also not having the best time at work, as a result I quit my job (in Oct 10) and now (march 11) i'm still unemployed, I want to lose weight and that's not happening, where did I go wrong? how can someone screw up so much with them self? i'm just happy I didn't hurt anyone else on the way, and I hope I am not hurting my husband by being unemployed. we could really do with a second income. I love the people who support me and who have been praying for me standing behind my every move, and I want to thank you for doing this, but I can't help feeling hurt with all my efforts somehow not working out.
I will give this a big last shot, pumping myself up to make sure I am a survivor. and that I stay that way.
send me some strength... oblivion.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Why?
Why do people never fail to surprise you?? why do things never seem what they are?
I have a few thousand other questions, but no answers yet.
Last night I was politely told, that I seem to have lost all passion, be it for living, sex, applying for jobs, anything. so now my struggle in life is to find my lost passion. I used to write every night when I was 21, and I remember that being my favorite part of life. Now at 28, I really miss writing, my passion for life stems from what I know myself to be, but in the past few years, people have told me various things contradictory to what I know myself to be. for instance, so far in life I believe I am a good writer, and someone told me I'm not, I did not stand up for myself. I should have, I just didn't.
I think I got really busy trying to earn money, to repay loans, pay my rent, usual everyday stuff, and my whole earning money thing, made me work like a machine, not paying attention to how I did anything, or what I uncovered in the process. I reached a point where I stopped learning anything new, or rather I was learning but the desire to learn was gone. I hated that. It was the worse thing to ever happen to me. I LOVE learning new things and I believe I can learn something from everything, every moment in life and EVERY EVENT.
I want to go back to this place, I want to find myself and I think writing this down is the first step. Its like the quote from some great person, (Martin Luther King Jr. - "Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase"
I'm on my first step. :)
I have a few thousand other questions, but no answers yet.
Last night I was politely told, that I seem to have lost all passion, be it for living, sex, applying for jobs, anything. so now my struggle in life is to find my lost passion. I used to write every night when I was 21, and I remember that being my favorite part of life. Now at 28, I really miss writing, my passion for life stems from what I know myself to be, but in the past few years, people have told me various things contradictory to what I know myself to be. for instance, so far in life I believe I am a good writer, and someone told me I'm not, I did not stand up for myself. I should have, I just didn't.
I think I got really busy trying to earn money, to repay loans, pay my rent, usual everyday stuff, and my whole earning money thing, made me work like a machine, not paying attention to how I did anything, or what I uncovered in the process. I reached a point where I stopped learning anything new, or rather I was learning but the desire to learn was gone. I hated that. It was the worse thing to ever happen to me. I LOVE learning new things and I believe I can learn something from everything, every moment in life and EVERY EVENT.
I want to go back to this place, I want to find myself and I think writing this down is the first step. Its like the quote from some great person, (Martin Luther King Jr. - "Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase"
I'm on my first step. :)
Friday, February 11, 2011
Time
Where does time go, when you aren't really busy and you don't really know what has been keeping your busy??
I think the universal answer to this puzzle is that time moves away quicker when you are thinking than it does in the actual, real world. so in my head, I'm thinking i wanna make sure my home is clean, my husband is happy, I am healthy whilst I apply for all the jobs that I want to and hope and pray to find one quickly, and make lunch and plan dinner, and so on....
omg, its the end of the day, i only did the jobs, haven't had any food, and no my husband isn't happy neither is the house clean. uh oh, time slipped away. . . . . and now I'm guilty cos i don't know what happened and how I got here. the unfortunate truth is that I want my time to go back to my youth, back when my whole life was ahead of me. . . back when I could change anything.
I think the universal answer to this puzzle is that time moves away quicker when you are thinking than it does in the actual, real world. so in my head, I'm thinking i wanna make sure my home is clean, my husband is happy, I am healthy whilst I apply for all the jobs that I want to and hope and pray to find one quickly, and make lunch and plan dinner, and so on....
omg, its the end of the day, i only did the jobs, haven't had any food, and no my husband isn't happy neither is the house clean. uh oh, time slipped away. . . . . and now I'm guilty cos i don't know what happened and how I got here. the unfortunate truth is that I want my time to go back to my youth, back when my whole life was ahead of me. . . back when I could change anything.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)