So its been over a month, I'm at the same weight as I was in early February and I am still unemployed. Its honestly going to be the death of me, I'm excited about nothing, I used to love cooking, even that can't cheer me up anymore. and I am going to whinge about this but I can't help it, its gotten very strange for me.
I believe in the 'law of attraction' and I believe in making things happen by thinking them.... so I guess I haven't been thinking about slimming down, and not been thinking about working?? is that it? I'm willing this stuff on myself?? I wanna say I want my mommy, but its very difficult for me to face up to all this 'failure' so to say, because I used to be a good achiever, I've had interviews where I was hired straight away, but now? is it because I'm a second class citizen? a political term but I often find myself faced with it, feeling neglected for not belonging to a land, an ideology or even an attitude. the services of others, the way people sometime look at you.... the list is endless....
I need to get my positivity back .... where is it? and why????
I just think there have been way too many changes in my life, I got married, had a new life and lifestyle to adjust to, I was also not having the best time at work, as a result I quit my job (in Oct 10) and now (march 11) i'm still unemployed, I want to lose weight and that's not happening, where did I go wrong? how can someone screw up so much with them self? i'm just happy I didn't hurt anyone else on the way, and I hope I am not hurting my husband by being unemployed. we could really do with a second income. I love the people who support me and who have been praying for me standing behind my every move, and I want to thank you for doing this, but I can't help feeling hurt with all my efforts somehow not working out.
I will give this a big last shot, pumping myself up to make sure I am a survivor. and that I stay that way.
send me some strength... oblivion.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Why?
Why do people never fail to surprise you?? why do things never seem what they are?
I have a few thousand other questions, but no answers yet.
Last night I was politely told, that I seem to have lost all passion, be it for living, sex, applying for jobs, anything. so now my struggle in life is to find my lost passion. I used to write every night when I was 21, and I remember that being my favorite part of life. Now at 28, I really miss writing, my passion for life stems from what I know myself to be, but in the past few years, people have told me various things contradictory to what I know myself to be. for instance, so far in life I believe I am a good writer, and someone told me I'm not, I did not stand up for myself. I should have, I just didn't.
I think I got really busy trying to earn money, to repay loans, pay my rent, usual everyday stuff, and my whole earning money thing, made me work like a machine, not paying attention to how I did anything, or what I uncovered in the process. I reached a point where I stopped learning anything new, or rather I was learning but the desire to learn was gone. I hated that. It was the worse thing to ever happen to me. I LOVE learning new things and I believe I can learn something from everything, every moment in life and EVERY EVENT.
I want to go back to this place, I want to find myself and I think writing this down is the first step. Its like the quote from some great person, (Martin Luther King Jr. - "Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase"
I'm on my first step. :)
I have a few thousand other questions, but no answers yet.
Last night I was politely told, that I seem to have lost all passion, be it for living, sex, applying for jobs, anything. so now my struggle in life is to find my lost passion. I used to write every night when I was 21, and I remember that being my favorite part of life. Now at 28, I really miss writing, my passion for life stems from what I know myself to be, but in the past few years, people have told me various things contradictory to what I know myself to be. for instance, so far in life I believe I am a good writer, and someone told me I'm not, I did not stand up for myself. I should have, I just didn't.
I think I got really busy trying to earn money, to repay loans, pay my rent, usual everyday stuff, and my whole earning money thing, made me work like a machine, not paying attention to how I did anything, or what I uncovered in the process. I reached a point where I stopped learning anything new, or rather I was learning but the desire to learn was gone. I hated that. It was the worse thing to ever happen to me. I LOVE learning new things and I believe I can learn something from everything, every moment in life and EVERY EVENT.
I want to go back to this place, I want to find myself and I think writing this down is the first step. Its like the quote from some great person, (Martin Luther King Jr. - "Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase"
I'm on my first step. :)
Friday, February 11, 2011
Time
Where does time go, when you aren't really busy and you don't really know what has been keeping your busy??
I think the universal answer to this puzzle is that time moves away quicker when you are thinking than it does in the actual, real world. so in my head, I'm thinking i wanna make sure my home is clean, my husband is happy, I am healthy whilst I apply for all the jobs that I want to and hope and pray to find one quickly, and make lunch and plan dinner, and so on....
omg, its the end of the day, i only did the jobs, haven't had any food, and no my husband isn't happy neither is the house clean. uh oh, time slipped away. . . . . and now I'm guilty cos i don't know what happened and how I got here. the unfortunate truth is that I want my time to go back to my youth, back when my whole life was ahead of me. . . back when I could change anything.
I think the universal answer to this puzzle is that time moves away quicker when you are thinking than it does in the actual, real world. so in my head, I'm thinking i wanna make sure my home is clean, my husband is happy, I am healthy whilst I apply for all the jobs that I want to and hope and pray to find one quickly, and make lunch and plan dinner, and so on....
omg, its the end of the day, i only did the jobs, haven't had any food, and no my husband isn't happy neither is the house clean. uh oh, time slipped away. . . . . and now I'm guilty cos i don't know what happened and how I got here. the unfortunate truth is that I want my time to go back to my youth, back when my whole life was ahead of me. . . back when I could change anything.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
ABsolute Weightloss!!!
This is it!
May 21, I have exactly 178 days to loose about 20 Kilos as I am getting married on December 10 and I need to be lookin my best by Nov 15. I will try and update this everyday.
Regular excercise and healthy eating. I'm doing this now. let me put a plan in place and publish it.
May 21, I have exactly 178 days to loose about 20 Kilos as I am getting married on December 10 and I need to be lookin my best by Nov 15. I will try and update this everyday.
Regular excercise and healthy eating. I'm doing this now. let me put a plan in place and publish it.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Memories
I love my brain, its one of those things that keeps me intrigued.
Normally I wake up early, sleep only sufficiently. Today was very different I didn't wanna get out of bed and I honestly relaxed and slept in.
When I finally got out of bed and sat down with the lappy only to be reminded of a memory 10 years old. It was 1997-98 a time when I was still at school and my sister was away at college doin her medical studies, I went to visit her and met two of her close friends.
Living in the hostel, one night we decided to bring over special food and made some maggie noodles at the room, it was like a planned dinner, except we didn't have a kitchen to cook in so it was like a hostel quick meal. Anywya!!, so these two girls, made caramel custard, and we ate sitting on the floor, surrounded by newspaper etc.
The memory that came knocking was the post dinner time we spent sitting on the floor and laughing, we lughed about random stuff. I don't remember the jokes, but I know we were all spewing water all over the floor and even after we cleaned up the madness continued, which made it impossible to drink water.
It was the best thing in the world to remember. :)
Took me back to a place and time that had unadulterated happiness. I hope I feel that way for the rest of my life as well and never have to pretend to be someone I am not.
Normally I wake up early, sleep only sufficiently. Today was very different I didn't wanna get out of bed and I honestly relaxed and slept in.
When I finally got out of bed and sat down with the lappy only to be reminded of a memory 10 years old. It was 1997-98 a time when I was still at school and my sister was away at college doin her medical studies, I went to visit her and met two of her close friends.
Living in the hostel, one night we decided to bring over special food and made some maggie noodles at the room, it was like a planned dinner, except we didn't have a kitchen to cook in so it was like a hostel quick meal. Anywya!!, so these two girls, made caramel custard, and we ate sitting on the floor, surrounded by newspaper etc.
The memory that came knocking was the post dinner time we spent sitting on the floor and laughing, we lughed about random stuff. I don't remember the jokes, but I know we were all spewing water all over the floor and even after we cleaned up the madness continued, which made it impossible to drink water.
It was the best thing in the world to remember. :)
Took me back to a place and time that had unadulterated happiness. I hope I feel that way for the rest of my life as well and never have to pretend to be someone I am not.
Memories
Has anyone ever lived in a moment with intense emotion and remembered the smell associated with that? I find it the most intriguing thing ever. It happens to me all the time and I love being able to relive my happiest and sometimes painfully sad moments.
Its summer in Melbourne now, two years ago, I was here at this time and my sister was visiting, we traveled to Sydney and had the best time. Today when I step out the fresh air with sweltering smell of summer, of a hot scorching sun on tar, on nature, taking away its life, takes me back to that time. I didn't feel this way last year because I was working insane hours, falling in love, coming to terms with it and assimilating into the Ozzie way of life. but its diff now.
I like it.
it envelops me into a sense of safety which maybe false but its reassuring because maybe I didn't savour the moment enough when i was living it. However, now I can recall every detail of that memory. what I wore, what I was feeling and who and what I was thinking about.
Its summer in Melbourne now, two years ago, I was here at this time and my sister was visiting, we traveled to Sydney and had the best time. Today when I step out the fresh air with sweltering smell of summer, of a hot scorching sun on tar, on nature, taking away its life, takes me back to that time. I didn't feel this way last year because I was working insane hours, falling in love, coming to terms with it and assimilating into the Ozzie way of life. but its diff now.
I like it.
it envelops me into a sense of safety which maybe false but its reassuring because maybe I didn't savour the moment enough when i was living it. However, now I can recall every detail of that memory. what I wore, what I was feeling and who and what I was thinking about.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Days of this Life
Well,
since my last post, I have tackled the gym, done yoga, aerobics, water aerobics, spa and steam, and now I have the flu.
I have no complaints.
I love the weather in melbourne changing over day to day and more often hour by hour. This time around, the move from Winter to Spring has brought me a welcome cold and cough with some burning fever. I am happy at least now I won't have to worry about wearing my, winter-super-sexy-warm-safe-from-rain-overcoat.
I can safetly look forward to a goo four months of summer and the next one month of spring.
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